Tuesday, April 30, 2013

Transcript of the Chat Stylins of Sam


8:01 PM sam: wuddup child
 me: Sup
 sam: wuzz good
8:02 PM me: Hello
  So most people are here
 sam: sweet
8:03 PM just imagined 'everyone' including a small dinosaur wearing a sideways baseball hat and 'skateboarding' clothes
 me: How did you know.? Troy has that tattoo
8:04 PM sam: shit
  feel like most of my thughts involve that
 me: Beth Beavers maker of the mis
  Beth beaver the maker of the mix tape has arrived
 sam: tell her good job
 me: Lets get this party started
8:05 PM sam: fsho
8:06 PM me: Hold up....moving booths
8:07 PM So we are still waiting for some people
  We are tardy drunk readers
8:08 PM sam: you assholes
 me: So Karen really just wants to sext with you
8:09 PM sam: dang a lang
  if i had a phone....
  the phone for the sexting was
  the publishers
 me: So the question is do you write on a computer or a daurrgeotype
8:10 PM sam: small notebooks and my computer
  which was given to me by a reader after my shitty old laptop broke
 me: Like mole skins?
 sam: no like
  those small
  acid washed looking shits
  that say 'notebook' on the front
  with the black tape binding
  or any kind of paper i have
  a lot of notes are written on receipts
8:11 PM and flyers
 me: As they should be
8:12 PM sam: hell motherfucking yeah
 me: Beth's favorite part was the hotdog .
 sam: pretty sure i wrote all of that on a receipt
 me: Did that really happen?
8:13 PM sam: what? me examining a hotdog on the ground?
  hell yeah
  that's real life shit
  that's that shit they dont want you to know about
  but yeah, i'm really that pathetic
 me: What about the dancing baby and the street performer?
8:14 PM sam: oh yeah
  one of my ideas was to catalogue
  all the performers i've seen
  which get way more out there than the ones i described
  you can get a cheap permit to perform in the subway
  there's this one girl who like
8:15 PM "orgasmically" hula hoops to a boombox sometimes
  she's actualy really intimidating
 me: Dang
  Steve wants to know how ,inch other art you have done? Is it for sale?
8:16 PM sam: i have some drawings and paintings stil
  and i did a new one last night that' realy nice
  people are throwing out shit again to move
  so i go through the alleys and find shit to draw on/into
8:17 PM me: So that reminds us of a local artist Jason Barr
  Are you familiar with him (in that way)
  Also should we refer to you as Hot Styles?
8:18 PM sam: haha
  hot styles baby
  i stlill think about that bin laden shirt
 me: Is that your cat? Is Rontel real?
 sam: i wake up and think "why didn't i buy that shit"
  yeah
  rontel is real
  that's his name
8:19 PM that's his picture
  i have his name tattooed on my arm
 me: Did you shave him?
 sam: yeah me and my brother shaved his head with a buzzer
  like
  our dynamic was like, 'three buds'
  rontel loves me and my brother
  and we teased him like we would another brother
8:20 PM me: So you do live with your brother?
 sam: sizzle, ear slaps, ventriloquism, everything
  yes
  did anyone view rontels treatment
  as psyhcologically damaging
  sometimes i think about that
 me: Is there any part that isn't real?
 sam: the only stuff that isn't real in my books
  is usually
8:21 PM just the order or time when shit happened
  minor shit
  the truth is
  i'm not that creative
 me: Basically no.
 sam: so have a hard time making shit up
 me: The relationship with Rontel was the least damaged
 sam: haha
  he's my little shithead
  the only poster i have
  is the picture of him at the end of the book, blown up to poster size
8:22 PM me: We are buying and drinking a PBR in your honor
 sam: i like old style
  or king cobra
  but thank you
 me: Shit happens
8:23 PM sam: and then you die
  do people say that there
  'shit happens...and then you die"
 me: Karen's grade school kids do....hourly
 sam: hell yeah
  get em in on that shit early
  let em know
8:24 PM "kids, you're going to die"
 me: Give them the business
 sam: hahaha
  the publiser emailed me
  the other day
  to tell me
  that he was buying a hotdog
  and the guy working the cart
  said, "give him the business"
  to someone
8:25 PM me: So is the story of Rontel's name true
8:26 PM sam: yeah
 me: So tells about the "these are the days that mans ices a rattlesnake
 sam: that line, like the form of it "these are the days when...."
  came into my head on a walk
 me: Yep
 sam: when i saw the raccoon fuck the dog up
  sometimes
8:27 PM i have
  "grand' thoughts
  for the sake of humor
  like i like to think majestically
  and say sweeping noble shit like that
  or whatever
  basically i'm insane
  and i'm trying to enjoy myelf
8:28 PM my head is like a kid playing a radioshack keyboard while his dad looks for a simple cord
 me: That's beautiful
 sam: YOU"RE BEAUTIFUL!
8:29 PM DEAL WITH IT
 me: So do you think that you are getting better as a writer. And dealt with. All 15 of us are beautiful
 sam: i dont know about the getting better thing
8:30 PM i was thinking about it today
 me: I say yes
 sam: and like, it seems like every time i try to be more simple
 me: I liked Rontel better than Person
 sam: or like, break down the thoughts ialready have about writing and try something new
  i do too
  but like
  person
  i had never written anything long before
8:31 PM and that started as a series of short little scenes
  that i put together
  so it felt really weird or clumsy writing it
 me: It's good...just dug Rontel a bit more
 sam: i think my new thing is thinking much much moe before writing now
 me: What do you want us to do with the book now that we finished it?
 sam: let somebody borrow it
  put it in a library
8:32 PM let me know and i'll putup a post where someone can buy it off you for cheaper or something
 me: Boring
 sam: ey
  ey nah
  alright
  put them into a fire pit
  and cover yourselves with blankets
8:33 PM me: Hey did you get some bees?
 sam: and breathe in the fumes
  no
  but bill did
  bill definitely did
  why, bill is probably fucking with his bees right now see!
  is it warm there right now
  it's nice in chicago
 me: So hot
  Like 80 degrees
 sam: oh shit
8:34 PM just thought, "shit's hot in the K"
  (kansas, you see)
 me: Till Wednesday when it snows
 sam: really?
  it's supposed to snow
 me: Yep
 sam: hell yeah
  midwest baby
 me: So have you always lived in Chicago?
 sam: yeah
8:35 PM chiraq
 me: Or are you one of those white people who moved there after college
  Gotcha
 sam: you fucking turd
 me: Hey...you could have been rebelling against white people who move to Chicago
8:36 PM sam: i'm rebelling against everything man
  the system
  george bush
  corporations
 me: Feminism?
 sam: no i'm kidding
  i was just throwing out some cliches
8:37 PM me: So Beth Beavers wants to know how your girlfriend is
 sam: the one from the book?
  baby my girlfriend is rontel
  and none else
 me: Are there others?
 sam: "rontel over bitches"
8:38 PM ROB
  ROE
  rontel over everything
8:39 PM me: Why is the cat so awesome?
 sam: because he's so peaceful
  he's lie
  he's like
 me: And how did Rontel take the shaving?
 sam: the most loving peaceful creature i've met
  he didn't like the actual process
8:40 PM but that's because it involved holding him still while we buzzed him
  but he got over it
  like i said in the book
  he seemed to like it tactilely
  is that the right word
  tactiley
 me: I think it works
 sam: tactile
8:41 PM me: Conversation has moved to the racist review
 sam: ok
 me: Why did you feel the need to write a rebuttal?
8:42 PM sam: i thought about that a lot the last couple days too
  it's like this
 me: Another question is your brother that big of a d-bag?
8:43 PM sam: my thing was this
  in chicago
  there is a certain attitude
  that is unlike the rest of the midwest
  and it's "don't fuc with me"
  so i was offended by his bullshit, and his lack of thinking
  so i shot back
  but ultimately
  to be honest
  i should've just let it die
8:44 PM his shit dont make sense and nobody cares and i gave him too much exposure by even responding
 me: Beth Beavers just spilt beer on Rontel
 sam: at the same time, sometimes you gotta holler
  tell her to die
 me: But she made that sweet play list. Is there an alternative?
8:45 PM sam: um
  yeah
  she has to let two book club members pinch, and subsequently twist, her nipples
  until she says, "rontel" three times
8:46 PM me: She has a huge rack. Let her drink a couple more beers and we will see what happens.
 sam: hahah
  "huge rack"
  i want to say that to someone in a really polite "just so you know" type tone
8:47 PM "pardon me, your rack is huge"
 me: That could be said of many of our book club members....well more than one
  The flat chested girl is sad
8:48 PM sam: tell her the size of the titty is not as importatn as its shape
  and/or proximity
  just iamgined you all bullying her with giant racks
 me: Proximity to each other or to you?
8:49 PM sam: me
  /anyone
  DUH!!!
 me: Alright
8:50 PM sam: there you go
  that's what you should do with rontel
  rip it apart
  and make bras out of it
  and take a picture of a row of giant racks
  with rontel bras
  think of the sales!!!!
  mm mmmm sales!
 me: Think of the reviews
8:51 PM sam: i will!!!
 me: We have a whole marketing plan for this now
  So did you throw the microwave off the building? Could we find it now?
8:52 PM sam: my brother did
  that was last year
  so it's probably gone
  but yeah
  i mean
  when you dont have a lot of money/you're stupid
  then breaking shit
  is all there is
 me: Have you been to a gaymers meetiNg?
 sam: burning couches, breaking things, smashing windows
  hahaha
  no
  i'd go but enrique would get jealou
8:53 PM jealous
 me: Because everyone would want you?
 sam: yeah he doesnt like when gay guys hit on me
 me: I thought there was no one but Rontel
 sam: haha
  oh like
  politely, hell no
  but yeah
  he'd lock arms with me and be bitchy to other guys
  at work
  or out
8:54 PM it's really funny
8:55 PM me: Rontel over bitches but Enrique will protect?
 sam: yeah
8:57 PM me: So one of the guys here just said "my type is Sheely Duvall"
  Shelly
 sam: hell yeah
  o girl from the shining
8:58 PM me: Damn right. And Popeye
 sam: oh shit
  you're right
  that's his type
 me: Yep
 sam: hey
  i mean
  whatever you like
8:59 PM me: Not everyone has a Rontel
 sam: i lucked out
  he did too
  because i thought i was going to 'give him the ultimate business"
  when he was younger
  you know
  the "kill you" business
  the "stop being annoying"
  business
9:00 PM but now
 me: But....
 sam: oh now these are the day when i wake up to him spooning me
  and headbutting my face
 me: And he stays safe from microwave fate
  Also I pressed that he can do both at the same time
  Impressed
9:01 PM Beth beavers wants to know if you are a Blackhawks fan
9:02 PM sam: all part of his charm
  just imagined rontel with a huge rack
  hell yeah
  i dont like a lot of pro sports except for boxing
  but i love the hawks
 me: That's awkward
9:03 PM sam: what
 me: Okay
 sam: tits on a cat
 me: Yep
  A huge rack on a cat
 sam: "in the year 2021, huge racks on cats are no longer science fiction, but....a reality"
9:04 PM me: So Beth Beavers wants some sort royalty
 sam: for what?
9:05 PM girl trynna milk me
 me: Huge racks
  With her rack
 sam: the biggest rack i ever saw was like
9:06 PM scary big
 me: Like smother you in your sleep?
 sam: tell her i'll hook her up with royalties if she can definitively link her rack to book sales
 me: Done
 sam: hell yeah
9:07 PM me: So we are breaking up a bit here
  I am sharing my sexts from you
  People love them
9:08 PM However I don't want to keep you from important rack speaking
  Seeming
  Seeking
 sam: haha
  you shitheads
 me: By the way how is your ear infection?
 sam: i actually have it again
9:09 PM like
  i can't hear out of it
 me: Hey beautiful shitheads
 sam: and it hurts
  i have a tube in it and if that comes out my eardrum collapses and bleeds
  plus my hearing is damaged from music and shit
 me: Damn son
9:10 PM :(|)
 sam: i'll be deaf in no time flat!!!!!!
  i look forward to being deaf
 me: I hope you compose beautiful music
9:11 PM Post deafness
 sam: just thought, "that dude is soooo post-deafness"
 me: So we really want you to meet Jon. We think he would be great fodder for you
9:12 PM He tends to make out with middle aged women
  Just hanged out at bars
 sam: hell yeah
  making out with middle aged women
  just thought, "that's where the candy's at see?'
  for seemingly no reason
9:13 PM me: Well it is in their purses
 sam: s'what i'm saying
 me: Get a hotdog with him
  You'll like it
9:14 PM He is moving to Chicago maybe he could live on your floor
 sam: whens he moving
 me: June
9:15 PM sam: to what hood
9:16 PM me: Not sure. He is up there now checking it out
 sam: he has a job here?
  or school?
 me: Nope
 sam: a middle aged candy mam
  mama
 me: That's him
  He currently works at iHop
 sam: there's a fucking sweet ihop here in 'boystown'
9:17 PM where like
  at three in themorning
  the wieirdest motheffuckers go
  damn that's good shit
  i should just go hang out there
 me: Isn't that true of any iHop?
 sam: not like this one
  trust me
9:18 PM me: Well I guess I will visit it when I go to Chicago in the distant future
 sam: sweet
  just thought, "come on down to chi town, where the eatins good and the racks are huge"
9:19 PM me: And middle aged
  Credit Beth Beavers
  And flat chest
 sam: good ol beth beavers and her huge rack
  god bless'er
9:20 PM me: Lindsey is so sad
 sam: lindsey is the 'non huge rack' one
 me: But she has proximity going for her
 sam: can't stress this enough, it's all good
9:21 PM flat chested is still good
  she's still a woman
  suddenly feel impassioned speech coming on
9:22 PM "i have a dream, where the titties of the world walk hand in hand"
9:23 PM me: Someone else here has had that dream.
  Actually probably more than one, but only one guy will own up to it.
9:24 PM It is beautiful, though. You are an inspiration.
9:25 PM So also..have you been drinking because we have
 sam: no
  i dont drink that much
  i drank a lot and did a lot of drugs when i was younger
 me: But there was an impassioned speech...
 sam: yeah but like, i
 me: That happens a lot with booze
 sam: i'm turnt up all the time normally
  i'll still drink sometimes but like
9:26 PM i dont like it that much
  and i have a weird habit of drinking a lot when i do and being able to keep drinking
  like, i feel like an alcoholic
  maybe
 me: So are you naked?
 sam: haha
  hell yeah
 me: Nice
 sam: just thought, "naked of hope"
 me: In the bathtub?
9:27 PM sam: nah
  our bathtub is skeezy as fuck
 me: Well what are you wearing?
 sam: shorts
  a t shirt
  and some old ass boots
  and a hat that says, "huge racks or die" on it
 me: Did you have that hat or is it new?
9:28 PM sam: JK YO!!!
 me: Really....gosh
 sam: ey
  watch it nah
9:29 PM me: Golly gee willikers
 sam: "willikers, that's a huge rack!!"
  i want to say that
  and rub my eyes as i do it
 me: So many racks
9:30 PM Hey thanks for doing this
 sam: no problem
  sorry it didn't work out for me to come there
9:31 PM i'll be out there soon enough probably
 me: The transcript will be shared with everyone
  We will all show up if you do reading or something
 sam: sweet what college is there
 me: We'll buy you a milkshake
 sam: they usually do shi like that
 me: kU
  Kansas University
 sam: you guys should just hit me on the head and kidnap me
  that would be funny
9:32 PM "he woke up in the den of huge rracks"
 me: It would make for a good book
 sam: "Kidnapped by Huge Racks"
 me: A murder mystery
9:33 PM Would there be cholorform on the racks? We say yes
 sam: damn, that seems really funny
  to be like
9:34 PM "hey does my rack smell weird to you"
  then bam
  choloform that ass
 me: And Lindsey would be there in proximity
9:35 PM Well feel better. Have Jon get you a hotdog or something
 sam: i will
9:40 PM thank you all for reading the book
  and talking to me
  and getting me to think about racks, both huge and not huge

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