Wednesday, September 21, 2011

Courtneybelle's Cloud Atlas Cliff's Notes for Lazy Scenesters

Are you a scenester who desperately wants to read Cloud Atlas but just can't find the time between PBRs at the Replay and PBRs at the Tap to keep up with its demands?

You're in luck. Courtneybelle has composed this handy Cliff's Notes version for the first seven sections! Enjoy.


The Map of My Emotional Responses to Cloud Atlas
By Courtneybelle
Or Cliff’s notes to Cloud Atlas

Chapter 1
Blah, blah Human teeth
Blah, blah Is this Moby Dick or Huck Finn?
Pig heart? Are you Lord of the flies now?
Blah, blah The Moriori = Maori (?)= Whale Rider= Frackin’ Moby Dick again!
Moriori=Maori (?)=Baadaaasss tattoos + obscure genocide= legit reason for hipsters to read this
Blah blah What?! No ending? Lazy twat.

Chapter 2
Blah, blah Man whore
“Girls fascinate in different ways. Try ‘em one day.”
Scuppered, onanist, escutcheons
Claude Debussy was a slut?
Yada, yada Is faith a theme I’m looking for?
“The devil, Sixsmith, is in the pronouns.” I know, right!

Chapter 3
Ooh! Film noir, cool, he can write his own screenplay.
Blah, blah nuclear science something whatever
“swindling sperm gun”
Blue suede suit? Are you sure?
Corporations are bad, sure, that’s true.
Oops! Boys try to kill clever girl reporter. Big shock.
Is there a bridge in the first two chapters? Is that a thread I should be looking for?
I’m still in, but we better go somewhere soon.

Chapter 4
Cavendish. Nice name. Do you publish books AND make pies?
How come you can say “shat” but not “c***” or “F*****g?
Throw a guy off a building, sure, that happens.
Blah, blah Financial failure, family failure, (soon enough bladder failure)
Drugs-oh, yeah I thought there was a reason we were reading this.
“…and a memory from a university Halloween Ball cracked
on the hard rim of my heart and the yolk dribbled out-“
Yes, we ALL want to be Gabriel Garcia Marquez.
Blah, blah more incarceration/conspiracy
Wait? Was there a bridge?

Chapter 5
Oh, you better be fucking kidding me with this?!
Future bizarro corporation world
Blah, blah who talks like this IN AN INTERVIEW?
“Humor is the ovum of dissent,…”
Blah blah Brave New World, 1984, Aeon Flux (animation, not film), The Island, Equilibrium

Chapter 6
Okay, now you’re just being a dick (with this dialect crap)
Blah blah Post apocalypse, everyone is smelly, goats
Same island from chapter 1 and Sonmi, from chapter 5, is their god. Okay, sure
“the Ship-woman she’d got that vin’gary stink o’ Smart…”
Blah blah Noble Savage, Hero’s Journey
“…see you’ll b’lief in a mil’yun diff’rent b’liefin’s if you reck’n jus’ one of ‘em may aid you.”
Faith again. “Old Georgie” has me stumped- WTF is up with that?
Conspiracy/Incarceration again
I can do without child rape, if it’s all the same to you, jackass!
Meronym turns baadasss.
Bridge again.

Chapter 7
FINALLY, we’re getting somewhere
Sonmi from Chapter 5 goes down the rabbit hole to Blade Runnerville
Gets a face change a la Alien From L.A. (What? What? Where my peeps at?)
Hae-Joo gets better (hotter) by the page, “These are the tears of things.”
Sonmi gets wiser by the page- similacrum
Soilent Green is made of people! It’s people!
OF COURSE Big brother is killing you and feeding you to yourselves
But OH, SNAP!!!!
Sonmi= Jesus ?!?
“but if you knew about this…conspiracy, why did you cooperate with it?
Why did you allow Hae-Joo Im to get so close to you?”
“Why does any martyr cooperate with his judases?”
HA! Good one! Circle of life, bitches! Bridges and water
Whew! Now that I think the author has some point, I can finish this Godforsaken book.

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